Swagato
by AndThenBurnTheAshes
Summary: Naruto had an idea. And when Naruto gets an idea, the best thing to do is run for the hills. Contains cross-dressing, implied yaoi, and severe mutilation of the canon. A giftfic for AlTeRnAtE-UnIvErSe-MaStEr.


Fanfic For AnAlternateUniverse

A.N: …I could probably get shot for putting this story up. I seriously fucked up the canon in here, so if you came to read a nice, canon-based story, leave. Now. This is your only warning. And I'm not kidding. Anyway, this story is a giftfic for my tenth follower, AlTeRnAtE-UnIvErSe-MaStEr. Hope you like it.

()()()()()()()()()

It wasn't every day that Naruto Uzumaki had an idea. Well, he had ideas. Lots of them, actually. It's just that most of the time, he never actually acted on them, usually convincing himself that he would either end up dead, or with his face pressed up against baa-chan's breasts again, which was essentially saying he got killed in a more, well, _painful _way. But anyway, Naruto usually never actually _tried_ any of the plans that he thought of. However, on a fine morning in the middle of October, Naruto woke up with one of the weirdest thoughts he had ever had in his entire sixteen years of living:

Why were there so many girly looking guys in Konoha? Or rather, why were there so many girly looking guys that were ninja? There were quite a few that he had met…he screwed up his eyes and stuck out his tongue, beginning to list them off.

Let's see, in Konoha there was Neji, Shikamaru when he had his hair down, Iruka-sensei when he had _his _hair down, and he could probably throw Sasuke in there as well, considering how long his hair had gotten recently…oh, and Orochimaru could be added as well, even though he wasn't a Konoha shinobi anymore. Madara could be added, too. He was pretty girly, with that long hair of his. Come to think of it, why did all the Uchiha look like girls? That was another question he would have to solve later. With shinobi from other villages, there was Haku and Kimimaro, and the Akatsuki…well, half of them looked somewhat like girls, really, Itachi, Deidara, and that one body of Pein especially, Deidara so much so that Naruto had tried to hit on him when he had first seen him, only avoiding getting blown up when Sasuke burst into the bar they were in, screaming loudly for Itachi's whereabouts, only to get dragged back by that red-headed chick who was as scary as Sakura was when she had cramps. Luckily, Naruto had made it out of the bar before the shit really hit the fan, but…Naruto shook his head. No. This wasn't the time for flashbacks. People hate flashbacks.

Anyway, Naruto had an idea. A brilliant idea, actually. An idea that would _change the shinobi world forever!_ An idea that, if he pulled it off right, could get Sakura-chan to go out with him! With the additional bonus of making Sasuke look like a complete ass, as well. And his idea was actually very simple, and there was only one thing he had to do to accomplish it.

_Make them dance._

Naruto shivered with excitement. He was already getting goosebumps, and he hadn't even started yet! This was going to be awesome!

()()()()()()()()()

"No."

"Aw, come on Neji!"

"I already told you, I will not make myself look like a fool in front of the whole village!"

Naruto pouted, then blinked, a smile slowly creeping its way across his face as he had another one of his rare, "actually possibility of this working" ideas. He looked around, then beckoned Neji closer. Neji frowned, hoping that it wasn't another one of Naruto's pranks. Naruto whispered into the older boy's ear.

"Do you want me to tell Tenten about…that?"

Neji looked confused for a moment, not having any idea what Naruto was talking about. But then, it slowly dawned on him. A look of pure horror crossed the Byakugan user's face.

"You wouldn't…"

Naruto grinned.

"Oh, but I would. So, you in?"

Neji, swallowing his shame and disgust, slowly nodding his head.

Naruto giggled. Oh, this was going to be _awesome._

()()()()()()()()()

"Sure."

Naruto blinked. Did…did he just…

"Yeah, I'll do it. Don't have that much going on anyway, so I might as well."

Naruto blinked once more, then slowly nodded his head.

"Y-yeah! This'll be great! And you know where to go before, right?"

Shikamaru lazily nodded his affirmative, yawning before walking away from the stunned blonde.

Naruto stared after him.

"Well. That was easier than I expected…"

()()()()()()()()()

"…Did Kakashi put you up to this?"

Naruto furiously shook his head.

"Nonononono! I just had this really great idea and I thought it would be really cool and funny and new and nobody will get hurt I _promise _so if you will just do this it would really mean a…lot…to…me?" the blonde shrunk down under the glare of one Umino Iruka, who looked _beyond_ pissed at Naruto's proposition. To his amazement, however, Iruka slowly lost the furious glare and sighed instead.

"So all I would have to do is-" Naruto cut him off.

"Yeah, you just need to let your hair down, and I'm getting some of the girls to help out with the outfits and stuff, so you don't really have to do much!"

The dolphin warily nodded his head in agreement.

"Okay. I guess it could be f-"

"Thanks, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto cut him off, jogging away to find his next victim. Iruka slowly lifted his hand in a weak farewell, then collapsed back in his seat, burying his face in his hands.

"Kami, what have I gotten myself into?"

()()()()()()()()()

~in Orochimaru's lair~

"Sasuke-kun, we got a letter from someone in Konoha."

"Hn."

"Did you tell anybody where our Super Secret Base is?"

"…well, considering how you created an entire village in the middle of nowhere, then went and attacked Konoha, loudly proclaiming that you had created a new village and that you would destroy Konoha, _and _killing the Sandaime Hokage, I'm surprised that nobody has found the base before now."

"Well, that doesn't mean that they could have found the base this easily! How did they find it?!"

"…Remember when we lost Kabuto for a month?"

"…Yeah. That was the most peaceful month of my entire life."

"He put up posters that said "MISSING: OROCHIMARU'S SUPER SECRET HIDEOUT. IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO…" and then he had the address to the base on all of them."

"…How many posters did he make?"

"He used more papers than Konan did when she tried to blow up Tobi."

"That little shit!"

"…Who was the letter from?"

"Oh, Uzumaki Naruto, I believe."

"…Burn it."

"But-"

"I SAID BURN IT!"

"Sasuke-kun, it invites us back to Konoha to participate in a very special event. We are going."

"…What is this supposed 'special event?'"

"…That's all it says. 'You are invited back to Konoha to participate in a very special event.'"

"Fuck that. I'm not going."

"Do I need to make you go back to therapy again?"

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, but I would."

"…Fuck you."

"Is that an offer?"

"…You're disgusting."

"So, are we going to go?"

"…Fine."

()()()()()()()()()

Konan sneezed. Deidara poked his head into the living room where the blue-haired kunoichi sat.

"Allergies, un?"

Konan nodded, wiping her nose with a paper tissue. She stood up suddenly.

"Oh! I almost forgot! A letter came in the mail for a few of you guys."

Deidara squinted at the letter. "Who is it for?"

Konan looked back at the letter.

"It's for you, Itachi, and…" she squinted to read the last name on the paper. "'The body of Pein's that looks like a girl?!' Who the hell is that?!"

Deidara thought for a moment, then groaned, slumping onto the couch.

"They probably mean the body that Zetsu mistook for the lovechild of Sir Leader and I."

Konan snorted.

"I remember that. Zetsu kept asking Pein who bottomed in the relationship."

Deidara growled. "And I suppose Pein said I was the bottom, un?"

Konan snorted. "You bet. Pein decided to mess with Zetsu a little, so he also said that you were just the first of his many conquests, and that Itachi was next."

Deidara's jaw dropped. "So _that's _why Itachi tried to kill Leader-sama, un! I thought it was just the fact that he hadn't killed anyone in a while that he tried to stab Pein with a butter knife!"

The blue-haired woman smirked. "No, Pein said that he had somehow magically gotten you pregnant, and you had his child a few years ago. He, ah, threw in a few…_details_ about how you supposedly sounded when he was…_doing_ you."

Deidara retched and ran out of the room, bumping into Itachi as he raced towards the bathroom. The weasel stared after the bomber, and turned to see the Akatsuki's only female nin collapsed on the couch, howling with laughter. The weasel raised an eyebrow, meeting the kunoichi's eyes.

"Might I ask what happened with Deidara?" Konan wiped a few tears from her eyes, still snorting with mirth.

"I t-told him what Pein had t-told Zetsu when he had a-asked about that one body of Pein-"

"That looks like a girl." Itachi finished, pinching the bridge of his nose. That had been a frightening time in the Akatsuki base. Deidara had completely flipped when Hidan had slapped his ass, saying that he knew that the bomber was a chick the whole time and was just "playing hard to get" because there were so many guys in the Akatsuki. Kakuzu had gotten pissed when he found out that the blood in the carpet wouldn't come out with just soap and water.

"Why would you even tell him that? You _know_ how he gets when it comes to how he looks."

Konan giggled one last time and sat up to face the weasel.

"I was just telling him that this letter came in the mail for you and him and that one body of Pein. I think it's from the nine-tailed jinchuriki in Konoha."

Itachi's eyes widened.

"Why would he send us a letter?"

"I don't know. I looked through the letter, and all it says is that he wants you guys to be there for a 'very special event.' Ooo! He even invited the rest of the Akatsuki to come and watch!" Konan squealed with excitement and raced out of the room. Itachi sighed and collapsed on the couch where Konan had been. Looks like they were going to take a fieldtrip to Konoha.

()()()()()()()()()

"Zabuza-san. I got a letter from Naruto. He wants me to come to Konoha for a 'very special event.'"

"Hn. When is it?"

"…Tomorrow."

"…He lives in Konohagakure."

"…And we live in Kirigakure."

"…And we have to walk all the way there."

"…And you're a wanted criminal."

"..."

"…"

"…Why are you friends with that boy, again?"

"I honestly don't know."

"…"

"…"

"…Looks like we got a long walk ahead of us."

"I'll go get your sword."

()()()()()()()()()

Kimimaro flipped through his mail. Bill, bill, family reunion notice, late Christmas card, bill, another creepy letter from Orochimaru asking him to come back to visit…he sighed. Nothing new. Nothing different. Nothing exciting. He almost missed the small piece of paper that fell out from between a bill and the Christmas card.

"Huh. Wonder what this is."

Scanning through the paper, he only had one thought.

_What _was that boy on and _where_ could he get some of it?

()()()()()()()()()

Madara Uchiha, god of Konoha, had just been slapped. Across the face. With a breadstick.

He didn't even know what had happened. One moment he was simply walking down the streets of Konoha, minding his own business, the next he was slowly blinking garlic sauce out of his eyes, using every ounce of self-control he had not to _tear the little fucker who had slapped him into a million pieces. _

He heard giggling from in front of him, presumably the little shit who had thought that it would be funny to slap him across the face with a piece of bread. Activating his Mangekyou Sharingan, he opened his eyes, and was startled to see the nine-tailed jinchuriki standing before him.

"Heeey, Madara-sama, right? Yeah, I've been looking all over for you all day!" The Uchiha blinked. Well, it was a good thing that he had been addressed properly, but why would someone such as the tailed-beast of Konoha be looking for him?

"You know, I was thinking that, you know, since you're an Uchiha and Sasuke's an Uchiha and Itachi's an Uchiha that you guys should all get together sometime and…" Naruto trailed off as Madara activated his Sharingan.

"We should all get together and…what? Finish what you were going to say." Madara growled, having a horrible feeling as to what the nine-tail wanted. Every day he was approached by a girl or a group of girls, giggling loudly, then quietly whispering to him, asking if he would…screw his young relatives silly, to put it nicely. Yes, the Uchihas were attractive, yes, they had nice bodies, but he was, literally, _three times their age._ And no matter how much Madara enjoyed sex, he would never stoop so low as to molest his young relatives.

"Well, I just thought you guys should get together and you know…okay, you know what? Fuck this shit." Madara blinked. The jinchuriki was now just standing in front of him with his eyes closed.

"Are you okay…?" Madara trailed off as he saw bright blue energy beginning to flicker around the boy in front of him.

"I'm chargin' mah lazer…" Naruto muttered.

"FUUUUUUU-" was all Madara thought before…

"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!" and the world went black around him.

()()()()()()()()

Naruto giggled. It had taken a _ton _of work, begging, chakra, and bribes, but he _finally _had everything ready for the performance ahead. He stood on a large wooden stage that had been built in a record-breaking 10 hours, a large red curtain rigged up behind him. Scuffling and shouts could be heard from behind the curtain. It was suddenly whipped aside and Sakura poked her head out from behind it.

"Naruto, Madara-sama, Sasuke-kun and Neji are refusing to put on their outfits. What should I do?"

"Just tell them that as soon as this is over they are allowed to chase me all around the village if they so wish." When the majority of the guys had found out what he had planned, they were pissed off enough to threaten to leave, but some of the other guys who weren't participating (namely Kakashi, Kisame, and the other five bodies of Pein) had kept them from escaping, Pein going so far as to threaten to take away Deidara's clay and Kakashi threatening to cut Madara's hair, which caused the much, _much _older man to squeak and dive back behind the curtain, not wanting to lose his best feature.

"Are they almost ready back there?"

"Yeah, we just need to get some of them in their outfits, and some of them need their makeup done, but other than that, we're ready."

Naruto face split into a huge grin, and he laughed out loud.

"Oh my Kami, this has got to be the best idea I have ever had!"

()()()()()()()()()

The main square of Konoha was packed with people. A loud buzz of conversation filled the air, every person speculating as to why they had all been gathered here. The stage curtain was suddenly whipped aside, and Naruto strode onto the stage, followed by several girls. The square gradually grew quiet, and Naruto stepped up to the microphone that, for plot convenience, had been set up at the front of the stage. The blonde cleared his throat.

"Okay, how many of you guys have ever seen a really, _really _feminine looking guy before?" everyone looked around at the other people gathered before the majority of them raised their hands.

"And how many of you have seen more than one?" again, the majority of people raised their hands.

"Have you ever wondered exactly _why _they were so pretty or good looking?" people slowly nodded their heads, wondering where the jinchuriki was going with this.

"Well, I have the answer to your question right here. But first I would like to thank all the girls here today who helped me with my little…_project_. Thank you so much to Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Temari, Konan, and the-body-of-Pein-that-actually-is-a-girl! You guys were a huge help to me today, and I couldn't have done this without you. So now, without any further ado, please welcome our Pretty Boy Swaggers!"

Loud music began playing, echoing through the village. The curtain slowly lifted to reveal…

"Is…is that my body in a kimono up there?"

()()()()()()()()()

Sasuke was not amused. Sure, it had been entertaining to see Madara get forced into skinny jeans, and absolutely _hilarious_ to see Itachi wearing a crop-top, but he did _not _appreciate getting stuffed into a girl's kimono and being forced to dance in front of everybody in Konoha. Haku, Neji, Kimimaro, Iruka, that one body of Pein, and himself were all forced into kimonos while Madara, Orochimaru, Itachi, Deidara, and Shikamaru all got to wear skinny jeans and a shirt that the girls chose for them.

It wasn't fair.

The music started playing, and the Pretty Boy Swaggers began to dance.

()()()()()()()()()

_This. Right here. Is my. Swag._

_All. The girls. Are on me. Damn._

_Every. Body. Pay. Attention._

'_Cuz this. Right here. Is my._

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

()()()()()()()()()

Neji had never been so humiliated in his entire life, even when he lost to Naruto during the Chunin exams. He had been forced into wearing a short kimono that barely reached past his ass, and his hair had been done up like a geisha's. His face was heavily made up with white powder, and Tenten had coerced him into putting on blood-red lipstick. In short, he looked like a prostitute from the red-light district.

Well, he thought, it could have been worse. Looking to his right over at Sasuke, he saw that the boy's face was frozen, not revealing any of his emotions at being forced into Temari's kimono, as she was the only girl who had helped who was even close to Sasuke in terms of body shape.

Turning his head to the left, he saw that Deidara was grinning and seemed to be enjoying himself. Well, the bomber didn't really have to change much about his appearance, only having to let down his hair, slip off the mesh under his crop-top, and slide on a pair of skinny jeans. The blonde looked like a complete natural, dancing on a stage with hundreds of people watching him do everything but strip right there.

The bomber glanced over at the Hyuga and smirked, knowing what was running through that head of his. Deidara flipped his hair over his shoulder and strutted his way up to the front of the stage, right on cue. Naruto had asked for someone who knew how to dance to take the lead during a freestyle part. Deidara's hand had immediately shot up and…well, it appears that the right choice was made. The blonde was told that he could do anything while he was dancing, and Deidara appeared to be taking full advantage of that. He had grabbed the body of Pein that was dressed in a tiny kimono and not much else, and was now dancing his way around him, while the poor body looked like it could die of embarrassment and shame.

()()()()()()()()()

Orochimaru, thankfully clad in jeans and a t-shirt, chuckled, watching his former partner's new partner basically molest the poor body of Pein in front of everybody. Smirking, he broke formation and slipped up behind the bomber, wrapping his arms around him. He laughed out loud when the blonde immediately ground his ass against the snake's crotch. Looks like the Akatsuki had needed to raise money.

()()()()()()()()()

Itachi, who was dancing as easily as one could in skinny jeans, turned his head away in disgust and caught the eye of his little brother. The weasel smirked and, knowing that Sasuke was watching him, shook his ass slightly harder than was necessary, chuckling when he saw his little brother's eyes follow it.

()()()()()()()()()

Haku and Kimimaro simply did what they were supposed to do: they danced where they were supposed to dance, they flipped their hair where they were supposed to flip their hair, and when they were supposed to shake their asses…well, they were such obedient servants. They couldn't refuse orders given to them, even if they_ were _from Konoha's number one trouble-making ninja.

()()()()()()()()()

Shikamaru yawned, lazily moving himself about as if he were swimming through jello. He really didn't have a problem with dancing, it was just that it forced him to give up his nap-time, a ritual that he went through every day at the exact same time. He glanced over at Deidara and Orochimaru.

"Huh. How troublesome."

()()()()()()()()()

Deidara grinned, grinding himself against Orochimaru's crotch. This was the most fun he had had since…well, joining the Akatsuki, really. He was a natural born dancer, and he liked to take advantage of that at every opportunity. He knew that a lot of the Akatsuki considered him to be…well, _slutty._ True, he would dance like he was getting paid to, and sometimes he danced so well that people had actually tried to pay him to dance for them, but Deidara wasn't that kind of guy. He had never slept with anyone that he had danced with, and he would _never _consider cheating on Sasori. That would just be rude. And stupid.

()()()()()()()()()

Naruto felt like a pimp. Well, not really a pimp. More like…yeah, he felt like a pimp. He was surrounded by girls who, albeit not paying him much attention, were all still pretty attractive. He had gotten not one, not two, but _eleven _guys to dance for an audience. He even got the entire village to come and watch the boys dance!

Oh yes, the pimp life was good.

()()()()()()()()()

It came down to the last few lines of the song, and all the guys on the stage, excluding Deidara and Shikamaru, were nervous. Naruto had told them that at the end of the song all of the guys wearing skinny jeans would grab someone in a kimono and clutch them to themselves, giving in to the traditional "seme and uke" pose. It wasn't part of the song, but…well, Naruto had wanted something a little…_different _at the end. He also said that, since there were more guys in kimonos than there were skinny jeans, Madara would get to have two guys in kimonos with him.

They knew something was going to happen when Naruto began cackling with laughter halfway through telling them this.

()()()()()()()()()

_Watch me_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

_Pretty boy swag (Hey!)_

That was the cue. Neji looked around frantically for a familiar face, _someone _that he would be comfortable with. His eyes widened in horror when he saw Madara stalk over to him, Sasuke already under one arm and struggling to get away from the older man. He gasped when he was roughly grabbed and shoved against Madara's chest, his face turning red when he realized just how muscled the other man was. Sasuke buried his face in Madara's chest, hoping that no one would recognize him, but Madara, sensing Sasuke's intentions, grinned and roughly gripped both Neji's and Sasuke's chins with his hands, forcing them to look at the audience. Sasuke whimpered at the rough treatment, feeling like he would die from embarrassment.

_Girls on my dick when I pretty boy swag_

_Girls scream my name when I pretty boy swag_

All of the boys in kimonos had been grabbed, Haku by Shikamaru, Kimimaro by Orochimaru, Iruka by Itachi, that one body of Pein by Deidara, and Sasuke and Neji by Madara. All of the "ukes," except for Haku, looked like they would pass out from embarrassment at any minute.

()()()()()()()()()

"And there you have it, folks! Let's give it up for our very own Pretty Boy Swaggers!"

Finally, it was over.

Sasuke squirmed in Madara's arms, trying to get the older man to release him so that he could rip Naruto's head off.

"Ah, ah, ah." Madara squeezed Sasuke tighter to him. "There's one more thing that we have to do." And with that, Madara hoisted both Neji and Sasuke over his shoulders and carried them backstage, both of the younger boys squirming in his grasp. Sasuke saw all the other "ukes" getting carried off as well.

Well, Deidara was actually dragging the one body of Pein, but never mind that.

As soon as Madara stepped behind the curtain, he was immediately swarmed by a hoard of girls, who were squealing and giggling with glee at seeing the pouty face of Sasuke Uchiha not two feet away from themselves.

"All right, ladies, break it up, step away from the dancers now!" There were several yelps and shouts of anger before Naruto was able to fight his way through the crowd. Once he reached the front, he whistled loudly and all the "semes" dragged their "ukes" up to where the jinchuriki stood.

Madara lowered Sasuke and Neji to the ground, and Sasuke immediately tried to make a break for it, not caring that he was still in a kimono. He felt a hand encircle his wrist, and he was thrown back into the arms of one Naruto Uzumaki.

"Get…off me, dobe!" Sasuke growled, trying to pry himself free from the arms of the blonde, who simply ignored him and instead whistled again, waiting for all the girls to quiet themselves down.

"All right now, thank you all again for coming to watch! Now, if you were one of those who paid for photos, please line up near the back! All the rest of you, if you wish to purchase photos, you may do so now! If not, then please exit the stage." Sasuke stiffened at those words.

_Photos?!_

()()()()()()()()()

"Deidara, will you kiss him for the picture?!"

The bomber grinned at that.

"Sure thing, un." And kissed the Animal Path's cheek, slipping his hands under the short kimono at the same time, grinning when he heard the Animal Path whimper.

"Kyaah! They're so cute together!"

"Itachi, can you hold Iruka closer to you?!"

"Hn." The Uchiha replied, but wrapped his arms more firmly around a furiously-blushing Iruka, who struggled in his grasp.

"Get…_off _of me you bastard!"

()()()()()()()()()

Naruto looked around at what he had created and grinned. He had money, pretty girls all around him (although they _still _weren't paying him any attention), and best of all, _eleven _guys who had no choice but to do what he bid.

Everything had gone according to plan.

()()()()()()()()()

A.N: Well…I don't even know what to say anymore. This was supposed to be a fic about Naruto and swag and now…I don't even _know _anymore. Anyway, please review if you liked it, and thank you to AlTeRnAtE-UnIvErSe-MaStEr for giving me this idea! I'm really sorry for getting this out so late, but school has been kind of a bitch for me. And, ya know...I COULDN'T RESIST PUTTING YAOI IN HERE! Seriously, if you were me, you would know how hard it is _not _putting yaoi in a story. Anyway, if you have any more ideas for fics I could do, PM me and we'll talk about it.

Later.

ATBTA had left the site.


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